No time to twaddle about!...
Well folks sit back and pop a beer...I've got a story to tell! Time is running short and Thursday night I have to go to the Philly airport to pick up a man that's coming here for a week of hunting. Now mind ye..this man is coming all the way from Idaho..which must be somewhars west of Ohio..to hunt deer with me. Go figger!! I hired a driver to take me to the Philly Airport..as I'm scared ++++less to drive in city traffic. Anyways...I'm scurrying around like an outhouse rat trying to get all the tools put away and the mess cleaned up here at The Homeplace..and t'other day I figgered it was time to mow the yard. I mowed back in...hmmm...July. Haven't had much time to dawdle around with it since then and it's "about waist-high" by now. Now lest ya'll think me lazy I've been workin' 6 nights a week since...whenever..in the bakery. I remodeled the bathroom and did a lot of other work besides. I also prepared a dozen different meals, vacume-packed them and got a lot of other stuff done. Anyways...down to the garage and start up the ridin' mower! All 15h.p of that Briggs&Stratton engine fire to life and I throw it into 5th. gear and drop the deck all the way down to "TILL" and GRRRROOOWWWLLLL! I'm mowin' grass at high speed and the wind is blowin' in what is left of my hair! The engine is screaming and I've got (6) teeth bared in a maniacle (sp.??) grin as I round the corner at the South end of the The Homeplace..on 2 wheels. There's an old cobb-pipe clenched in my teeth..(tooth) and it's glowin' cherry red and my straw hat is plastered to my balding pate as I round the corner..(where the gray feral kittins was just enjoying the sunshine)..and the next thing I heard was....WHACK!!!! PHOOM!...and seen a cloud of gray matter spatter upon the garage wall as it exits the shute on the mower. Ohh yes..more to come of course.....Audie...the Oldfart...
Well now folks here's the difference between wimminfolks and menfolks. When I heard the "KERTHUNK!" and seen the gray fur hit the garage my first thoughts wasn't..."Poor Kitty!" My first thoughts was..."Carol is gonna ++++ a blue brick if she finds out!" Not to worry! Turns out I ran over an old gray wool hunting sock!! Yeah...an old ratty sock I'd lost many years ago. Go figger!! Anyways... I backed the mower up an headed around the other side of my home...in 5th. gear at approx. 35m.p.h....and rounded the corner on that end of my home...on 2 wheels... with the blades flying and JUST in the nick of time.... seen the garden hose laying before me and managed to dodge it with my cat-like reflexes!! Huzzah! (The hose has been laying there since August when I drained the hot water tank.) What I didn't avoid was The Bucket. And yes..that's The Rest Of The Story... as Paul Harvey used to say. Audie....somebody just shoot me...
Okey-Dokey..ya'll following this tale so far? During my remodel of the bathroom I had no toilet. Nor shower or sink..not that it matters. But for 50 cents I purchased a 5gal. bucket and proceded to fill it TO THE RIM in the time it took me to remodel the bathroom. And I left it sit out in the back yard..since August. I'm one who believes one needs to ponder things and procede slowly. The lid was secured tightly...no need to fret...just let it set. And then..that fateful day..... I just barely nipped it with the mowing deck. Just enought to set it off-balance. Just enough a'quivver to where I couldn't reach out far enough to maintain its stability and watched in horror as it tipped o'er.... as my outstretched hand tried to maintain.... hope. Such was not to be. WAGH! %*#!(%&$#!)^!! I shoved the "effulence" back into the bucket as much as I could and in a fit of frustration HEAVED it into yon woods with all the force a mere mortal man might muster!! Whereapon it hit a tree and deludged me with the remains of The Bucket. And now you know...The Rest Of The Story. Audie..heading for the shower....
Good Lord, Audie, you simply can't be left alone to your own devices, now, can you? 
Thank heavens you didn't hit a kitten, at least. But the rest of that tale, you could also share on the forums of poopreport.com. I'm serious, there is such a site.
Your posts never fail to leave me LOL!
Thank heavens you didn't hit a kitten, at least. But the rest of that tale, you could also share on the forums of poopreport.com. I'm serious, there is such a site.
Your posts never fail to leave me LOL!
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